Holding out for a hero...

Sunday, November 11, 2007 by Audrey

I just fell in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I don't think. This is the hardest I’ve fallen since I broke up with D, and I feel more of a mental connection with this guy than I think I ever felt wihen I was dating D. (That’s what happens when you hook up with someone on a whim without knowing anything about them, I guess). Anyway, I met Scott (let’s use his real name here, shall we? How many thousands of Scotts are there in San Diego?) in the first few weeks in my new ward. He was the co-chair of the Friendshipping Council and was really involved in planning Family Home Evening, so he was hard to miss. Eventually I got called to be his co-chair, and we worked together for a few weeks. I don’t know when we started to be friends beyond what’s typically required to work closely together in a calling, but we did. He was personable and funny, and really easy to talk to and be around (he still is all those things—I talk about him like he’s dead, don’t I?). The first time I really talked with him beyond saying hi in the hallways was when we were partnered up for the ward’s monthly Find and Invite effort. Somehow (as is typical for me), all the details of my relationship with Derek came out. (Side note: why am I completely unable to keep any of the sordid details of my past to myself? I feel this great need to share everything about myself with every single person that I meet. End of note.) He was very sympathetic and shared some similar experiences that he had. I felt a lot closer to him after that. That week, I learned that he had turned his mission papers. He’s my age—almost 22—and while I knew he hadn’t gone, I didn’t think he would, judging by the experience of all the other guys I knew who, if they didn’t go when they were 19, didn’t go at all. I was really impressed. It takes a lot of courage to interrupt your life 3 years later than all your friends and leave everything you care about for 2 years when you’re past the age when peer pressure is likely to make a difference. My opinion of him rose even higher.

So, long story short, I’ve been really attracted to Scott for a while. He flirts with me like crazy. He’s very touchy-feely and seems to spend a lot of time around me when we’re at the same activities. But I haven’t really known that much about him—what his passions are, what makes him tick, what he wants to do with his life once he gets back from his mission (he’s leaving for Chile in January). I was a little wary of having more than a crush on him since I didn’t know a lot about him, and I don’t want another Derek situation where I don’t know the guy well before I let my emotions go too far. Even my crush was further than I wanted to go, because he’s leaving for 2 years. So I thought I was doing a pretty good job of restraining myself. Until today.

Today was our branch Thanksgiving dinner, and after it was over, a bunch of people went over to someone’s house to watch movies and play games. I found out what Scott does in his free time—he makes games. And they’re really really good. If he were to market them he would find people who would mass-market manufacture them, they’re that good. I was blown away. He has more ideas than he has time to develop. He has used his talents many time better than I have, and in the same amount of time. What have I done with my talents? I haven’t really done anything with piano performance since I graduated from high school. I can read fast, but what have I ever done with that? It’s only been during this year that I have tried to read classic literature because I haven’t had the patience for it. I can write well when I try, but have I ever tried? No. Not even in this blog. Scott is unbelievable. When I left Cheri’s house I couldn’t stand how much I want to have a chance with Scott. I started bawling my eyes out once I got in my car because I don’t think he likes me back. I hate this part of the dating game—the uncertainty part.

I want him to know that I’m interested. I’m not that good at the body-language thing—apparently it’s really hard for guys to know I’m interested unless I flirt so much and am so over-the-top about things that I make myself uncomfortable. How do I do it without being scary? Any suggestions?

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