After I spent a week hyping it up, the date was really nothing special. We went to see “Fred Claus,” which was a totally underwhelming movie. He leaned forward like 12 times and I could have easily scratched his back, but I chickened out. I left my hand completely open for the holding and he ignored it. (Or was oblivious—I don’t know which one I prefer at this point. Do I want to think that he’s interested but ignored it because he’s focused on going on a mission? Or that I’m not even on his radar as a romantic interest and he didn’t even notice the hand? Discuss.) And movies never leave that much time for talking. I found out that he’s been training to be an EMT, but that he really doesn’t want to think about it now because he could totally change his mind by the time he gets back from his mission. In January 2010. When I state it that way it seems like he’s never going to come back. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? I miss Derek. At least he wasn’t afraid to do the chasing at the beginning. I'm not even sure how I feel about Scott. Whenever I'm with him I have a blast. He's really easy to talk to and we have a lot of interests in common. But I can't read him at all. I have no idea what I feel about him. I second-guess every tiny signal I get from him and it paralyzes me. What if he really isn't interested and any small flirtation on my part will drive him away? Logically I know that isn't true. He asked me on a date. There must be some interest there. But emotionally I am incapable of making a move.
I am Prufrock. Where is my courage? I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, and I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, and in short, I was afraid. Eliot sure got it right.
2 comments:
Unfortunately I think the sheer fact that you are a girl is making you over think everything, I find it just tends to be in our nature. I hate to be one that generalizes behavior but I find it true in my life. Even though from the sounds of what you have written you two have spent lots of time together he still considered this a first date and wasn't comfortable making any sort of move. Just relax and enjoy it for what it is, time with someone whose company you enjoy. Hello pot, my name is kettle...
Anyway, I take it you have decided to not go on a mission yourself? Seems like some posts before you graduated mentioned you thinking about it. Just curious.
I think I've finally relaxed and realized that if it's meant to be, he'll still be available in 2 years. I did decide that a mission wasn't what I'm supposed to be doing in my life, and I feel like I'm doing a lot of other good things in my life right now. Maybe I will in a couple of years, if the timing is right then!
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