I've got a hunger Twisting my stomach into knots

Thursday, December 13, 2007 by Audrey

Scott and I had a really fantastic date last Thursday. After a branch temple night, we went to Denny’s to get dessert and then to his house to help his family put up their 16-foot Christmas tree. He was really flirty and fun and we couldn’t stop talking the entire time. He told me he had a really fun time and that he wanted to hang out with me a lot more before he leaves on his mission. I felt really encouraged by his attention—how could he possibly not be interested, judging by the way he was acting? He messaged me again on Friday before leaving on a snowboarding trip, just because he wanted to.

I was feeling really good about things. But then on Sunday it was like I didn’t exist. I passed him in the hallway and he nodded but didn’t say anything, and he didn’t come up to talk to me at all. He said he was going to come sit by me at a musical fireside that night, but then he sat in the back with his friends and left early. Monday at FHE was the same. We went to the temple to see part of a series of Christmas performances by local stakes. I made brownies and milk because my FHE coordinator slacked off this week, and Scott seemed really excited about it. But then he left early to go hang out with some of the Marines from our ward.

I don’t want to judge hastily, but he hasn’t contacted me in a week. I’d like to think of all the possible things I could have done to make Scott go through a complete turnaround in his actions toward me, but what would be the point? It’s done. I don’t know why he no longer answers my text-messages and hasn’t called me all week, but he hasn’t. And he’s going on a mission in four weeks. Nothing that happens now will matter in a month. He isn’t going to ask me to write him, and I don’t think I really want him to. That’s a long time to wait for someone who doesn’t return my messages. It’s a little discouraging. But what was I expecting? He’s focused on his mission now. Who am I to think that he wants to leave a distraction here?

Derek and I talked on the phone for an hour and a half a couple nights ago. I miss him a lot, even now. Even though we broke up over a year ago. He’s one of my best friends. I wish current circumstances were different so we could try dating again. We’ve both grown up a lot. I realize now that I was really hasty in my worries about what could possibly happen in the future. He told me I could trust him and I didn’t believe him. Yeah, maybe he’ll leave the church 20 or 30 years down the road, but why is he more likely than me to leave? I’m the one who’s had major testimony problems in the past year, not him. We could get in a cataclysmic plane crash together, but is that any reason to avoid riding in planes? He could die early of cancer, but how am I to know that? That’s exactly the problem. I don’t know. I know it was the right thing to break up when we did, but I feel the same way I did on Christmas Eve last year—if we were to try it again, things would work. He makes me feel so good about myself. He thinks I can do anything I want with my life and I’ll be amazing. He was nothing but encouraging when we talked, even though I spilled all of my insecurities on him. I wish he were here.

Posted in | 0 Comments »

No comments: